compatibility

Still flipping through old journals...

Since we're on the subject of compatibility between couples, etc. I thought this was appropriate. I seem to have picked it up along my travels, and just did a search on the author: Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

* * *

A relationship coach lays out his five golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "Wer're in love." I believe it is the number one mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

1. Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage: 1. You can grow together, or 2. You can grow apart. Fifty percent of people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing. If the so and so you're in love with doesn't want the same thing you do you might as well opt out of it now than when it's too late.
2. Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust, ie: trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
3. Is he/she a 'mensch'? A 'mensch' is someone sho is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: people who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
4. How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed. To measure this, think about the following: how do they treat peoplel whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, taxi drivers, etc? How do they treat paretns and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciataion? Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who haved given them everything, you cannot expect thaty they'll have gratitude for you who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.
5. Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage and for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way thtey are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, selecting your partner doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are selecting, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

archive

I can't decide whether reviewing the past is a privilege or a punishment. Tonight, I read through journals of mine from 1999-2003...eek. On the up-side of things, I found this list of "Things I Love", written by my 19 year-old self. Now, at 26, I have no amendments to make.

* * *
feet ~ men's cologne ~ inside jokes ~ eyes ~ teeth ~ beautiful art ~ people ~ literature ~ poetry ~ a lake at sunrise ~ cats ~ nail polish ~ jewelry ~ long dresses ~ my family ~ God's intervention ~ music ~ crying ~ other countries ~ Latin ~ dancing ~ praying ~ people's backs ~ silver ~ passion ~ my bed ~ memories ~ camp ~ kisses ~ wonder ~ cities ~ streams ~ sketching ~ my hair ~ prophecies ~ time alone ~ parties ~ feeling elegant ~ candlelight ~ biking downhill ~ French ~ tea ~ laughing ~ swimming ~ being barefoot ~ all-nighters ~ phone calls ~ makeup ~ the future ~ airplanes ~ opening emails ~ dreams ~ slow jazz ~ rollercoasters ~ clothing ~ shoes ~ photographs ~ Christmas ~ croissants ~ writing ~ theaters ~ backstage ~ acting ~ fighting ~ snow ~ romance ~ applause ~ whispering ~ avocadoes ~ fields ~ mischief ~ wrestling ~ campfires ~ revelation ~ evesdropping ~ violins ~ painting ~ wood nymphs ~ duvets ~ people in love with Jesus ~ the hypothetical ~ autumn ~ simplicity ~ extravagence ~ orange ~ tenderness ~ sarcasm ~ pregnant women ~ flashbacks ~ lime green ~ symbolism ~ hippies ~ the smell of old books ~ hands ~ raiding ~ vintage ~ locked eye contact ~ summer storms ~ baby clothes ~ old couples in love ~ sweaters ~ night ~ magic ~ trust ~ birds ~ holding hands ~ moss ~ London ~ movies ~ Samuel ~ passion ~ distance ~ touch ~ perfection ~ imperfections ~ swing dancing ~ improv ~ forgiveness ~ waterfalls ~ soup ~ monsoons

And "Things I Hate", just for kicks:
lying ~ piety ~ religious barriers ~ death ~ lost contacts ~ alterior motives ~ hangnails ~ confinement ~ 80's fashion ~ country music ~ whiners ~ pain ~ regret ~ hangovers ~ migraines ~ endings ~ spoilt children ~ deadlines ~ procrastinating ~ injustice ~ goodbyes ~ time constraints ~ insensitivity ~ computers ~ politics ~ hubris ~ exhaustion ~ uncoordination ~ cankers ~ fear ~ poverty ~ misunderstanding ~ seclusion ~ greed ~ money ~ sin ~ my weakness ~ blind anger

where to from here?

A post to spark some conversation...

I went out to coffee with a friend, Carol Hay, last night. I was once in Carol's cell group at TACF - back in the day - and it was refreshing to connect with her again. I have bounced myself around the globe since we last saw each other, and she has taken on the North American chapter of a group called Deborah Arise. Very cool, very wise woman with a heart for cool, younger women.

I had been talking to her about my friends getting engaged/married, being of "that age", and Carol asked me a poignant question:

"Are they [the women] in relationships that foster their vision and calling?"

We spoke at length about the desire (emotionally, physically, mentally, socially) to get married ("As old as Eve," she said.) in young women and whether or not they continue with the dreams that they had before they were married. It's a question that isn't very popular to ask because the fear is that women can't do both - they can't be a wife/mother AND follow their calling. It's an unfounded fear, because it very much can be done, but it's a fear nonetheless.

It's not just for the women to ask themselves, but also for the men: Are you pursuing your calling? Are you helping to foster the calling in your spouse? Are you compromising your dreams for someone else's?

Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
- Proverbs 31:31

872.56

My darling boyfriend has left this morning, with three of his friends, on a roadtrip to the East coast of Canada for a week.

I have decided to mourn appropriately, by throwing Thea a bachelorette party tonight.

I have been told, by various people, not to complain about being unable to see Andrew for a week. Kate and Paul are separated by a four hour drive (Paul lives in Sudbury, Kate in Oakville) and only get to see each other every two weeks. Poor Jake is even worse off, having met and fallen in love with a charming Texan over a month ago (by the way, are they not the cutest?).

I should be grateful to have met someone who heralds Toronto as home. Maybe it's fate's way of repaying me for having lived most of my adult life oceans apart from people I love. And I should be grateful that Andrew's not an ocean away. Only 872.56 miles.

driven to distraction

Some have observed that the population of blogland is diminishing. Or at least the flow of posting/commenting traffic. I, for one, am not going to desert Blogspot for quite a while yet but I really wish I could post like I used to. In Korea, I had scads of time on my hands to contemplate and post about those contemplations.

Today, all I can think of is bachelorettes (and male strippers), kissing, engagements, weddings, rings, and showers. Not much of a post, I'll admit, but I blame love. It's in the air.

confluence

A wise couple once pointed out to me that where two rushing rivers meet, a lot of turbulence is to be expected. I just researched this and found it to be true. The term for this is confluence.

So if people can be seen as rushing rivers, should we be surprised that confluence of personalities (or ministries, or goals, or interests, or talents, or time, or priorities, or backgrounds...) occurs? The more powerful the rivers, the more the turbulence. Beats being stagnant. Bogs are not beautiful.

Sometimes relationships feel like an uphill battle. But I bet the view from the top is incredible.

ode to the forest

I go camping this weekend. I could barely sleep last night for excitement. It's not just that I'll be with friends, escaping the city, and enjoying good (sorry, *amazing*) food - courtesy of the two epicurean geniuses accompanying the posse - but that something calls me, every summer, to head north and drink the forest in.
I've loved forests ever since I was little and my family had a cottage on Lake Muskoka for years before it was sold when I was 12. I was a camper and, later, a councellor at Camp Mini-Yo-We on beautiful Mary Lake for about 6 years, and later spent a summer up at Muskoka Woods Sports Resort on Lake Rosseau. I can still remember the specifics of the paths I used to take through and around each forest, particular rocks, trees and views.
In university, I satiated my forest craving by wandering through Principal's Walk at Erindale, sometimes during the day, sometimes at night, sometimes barefoot, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, in all seasons, and all states of mind. In Korea, camping trips to national parks gave me the same peaceful, wholesome, almost-too-painful joy although it was never quite the same as being in Northern Ontario.
This weekend, Six Mile Lake is the destination and I expect to be visited by familiar sights, smells, sounds, and sensations. I figure this is the reason I felt so at home living in the High Park neighbourhood of Toronto - when it rains, I can smell the wet trees from my apartment.
When the cinematic version of Lord of the Rings came out I was amazed that Peter Jackson and his crew had not only managed to capture the visual artistry of a forest, but also the spirit behind Tolkien's writing - which was more than just an appreciation of forests, but an adoration and affinity with them - as "a man who would actually embrace the trees".
So, here's the question: is it just beauty and/or peace that I find intoxicating about forests or is it something else? Is it a feeling that everything, if only for a second, feels just as it was made to feel. Is it a little glimpse, a sniff, a taste, of Eden? Of heaven? Are we being communicated to by more than the wind and birds and waves? There something eternal, something perfect, hinted at in a forest that makes me want to spend the rest of my life wandering in one.
"We desire a kind of communion with all created things, animate and inanimate. Stones, rivers, birds, trees...In sum, man desires to be in communion with the whole world; he looks for right relationship with all of God's creation. Fairy tales in part reflect that desire."
- Andrew Cuneo, The Talking Beasts of Narnia

my good friend, bessie

A little trip down memory lane today. In a previous life, I was an event coordinator for the Television Bureau of Canada (TVB) and worked on the annual award show called The Bessies. The show was to celebrate the best in creative, Canadian commercials. The experience has made it nearly impossible to watch television in comfort because I am now an official Advertising Snob...

And you can be one too! Just click here to view the Best of Show for the 2006 Bessies, and here to view the archive of previous winners (2001-2005).

swoon

swoon |swoōn|

verb [ intrans. ]
faint from extreme emotion : I don't want a nurse who swoons at the sight of blood.
• be emotionally affected by someone or something that one admires; become ecstatic: teenagers swoon over Japanese pop singers.

noun
an occurrence of fainting : her strength ebbed away and she fell into a swoon.

ORIGIN Middle English : the verb from obsolete swown [fainting,] the noun from aswoon [in a faint,] both from Old English geswōgen [overcome.]

cinematic adventure

The only thing that made watching two and a half hours of computer generated, half-decayed pirates was Johnny Depp playing Captain Jack Sparrow. Oh, and did I forgot to mention that we sat in the second-from-the-front-row? Delightful.

And by the way, what's so great about Kate Winslet, anyway?
No, she wasn't in the movie but the two thoughts aren't entirely unrelated. Apparently, one Mr. Gazaneo has a crush on her.

Or he just said that to make me shut up about Johnny Depp.

Incidentally, they've made a movie about Andrew and I, as pointed out by Jordan:
This post is really just a test to see if anyone still bothers to read my blog. I have the sneaking suspicion that the general public had deserted Blogspot and is now whoring itself out to Myspace. Then again, I think my posts had significantly more depth to them when I wasn't so concerned with fancy pictures and whimsical links and anecdotal fluff. If you're still reading, comment and I'll know there's a reason to breathe life back into Blogspot.

for sale

So far, eight rummagers and four purchasers. I have made $5.00 from the selling of my memories. Not bad, considering they only cost me SLEEPLESS AND TEARFILLED NIGHTS.

I had one lady ask me if I had jewellry for sale.
"Nope, just what I have out."
"A rice cooker?"
"Nope."
"Shower curtain?"
"Really, it's just what I have out."

I am not Walmart. I am Sarah, selling her shiznazz in front of her new apartment [which fits her like a new pair of shoes: the kind that look great, but give you blisters for the first day] for protit. A whopping $5.00 profit.

At least I am getting a good tan.

baby blogs

Holy crap. I'm so excited. Three of my favourite human beings have started brand-spanking new blogs. I take great pleasure in introducing to you:

The Illustrious Kate Dias

The Dynamic Duo: Nik & Thea

red eye

It's 2:37 a.m.
But the point is, I can see my bedroom floor again.
And walk from the door, to the closet, to the kitchen, to my bed ON HARDWOOD FLOORS.
I just had a Fudgecicle.
It was in my freezer, left over from unpacking day.
Thanks, Linda.
I just had a Fudgecicle at 2:37 a.m.