the future is not what it used to be

The Cleft of the Rock
Annie W. Brigman, (1869-1950)

The boyfriend's in Paris.
The boss is in B.C.
("Are the weans in their bed, for it's noo ten o'clock?")*

I move on Saturday. I might even know where to.
(Dangling preposition. Watch it dangle.)*

I ran into an elderly couple, friends of the family, last Wednesday at a Tim Horton's in Whitby (minutes after my boss had quipped that I have a knack for knowing someone nearly everywhere I go). They're in their...70's? 80's? (hopefully they're of a generation old enough not to know much about blogging so they won't read this and be offended) and have raised a family, those family members have started families of their own, and, I'm not entirely sure, but there may even be great grandkids in the picture as well.

Bob White (he) asked me how things were with me and I responded without much thought: "Busy". Then, after a little thought: "Does it get less busy?" "No," they replied. "Things are just as busy now as they have ever been."

I had been looking forward to a rocking chair, slippers and a set of knitting needles in my 80's. Has that idyllic image already faded into a era we can't access anymore? My grandfather is in his 80's and was the first to introduce me to Skype. Colleagues of my parents have found me on Facebook. I was laughing with the girls from my cell about how our kids will be rolling their eyes when we tell them that "when we were growing up, there was no internet...we would send things in the mail."

Careers are paramount. Marriages are unnecessary. A university education is the norm. Commuting is a necessary evil. Children move out of their parents' homes. Television fills deadair. I've moved four times and have held five jobs in a year. I, even I, own a cell phone.

Am I the only one that feels that the harder we try to make our lives "efficient", the more complex things become? What ever happened to the mail, to silence, to "making calls", to taking a wife, to waiting, to hopscotch, to milking a cow, to penny candy, to walking?

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard
- Sarah McLachlan, "I Will Remember"

the bends

In moments of unease, it will come as no surprise to most, I turn to God. And, to the surprise of some, to Anne. I found this quote today and it warmed me:

"When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla."

In other, and not entirely unrelated news, a song came back to me last night - one that has been archived deep in my memory of livingroom Bible studies in the early 80's where my mother (with Farah Fawcett hair) and my father (with Tom Selleck moustache) would lead a small clan of neo-Jesus Freaks, sitting cross-legged on shag carpeting, in worship on acoustic guitar.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

Funny, I never knew what Biblical reference that song came from until yesterday.

how do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

Woke up in the middle of the night with a busy head and a muddled heart - and the very random thought: "Ecclesiastes 3:9". I didn't have the reference memorized so, intrigued, I looked it up:

What does the worker gain from his toil?

Then verse 10 and 11:

I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Is God cruel? I don't believe so. At first these verses weighed me down even more than I had been but then I noticed: "He has made everything beautiful in its time." Everything. It reminded me of a quote that I heard once - "Everything is OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end."

I don't pretend to understand the mysteries of God and this scripture seems to tell me that he doesn't expect me to. I cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end but, if I am content to ponder the portion of eternity that my finite heart can handle, if I am content to gain from it instead of my own toil, then will I be content to know:

Everything will be made beautiful in its time.
Everything.

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

- Grace, U2

crazy little thing called love

M'love and I have just celebrated 365 days of being...together. This also breaks down into:

• 31,536,000 seconds
• 525,600 minutes
• 8760 hours
• 52 weeks (rounded down)

Lest you think that a) I have enough time to do these calculations on my own, and/or b) mathematics is my forté, check this out.

To mark this milestone, A. picked me up, we did a Tim's run, went wine-tasting at Inniskillin and Peller Estates wineries in Niagara on the Lake and shivered at the edge of the half-frozen Falls. The weather, although damp and overcast, was decidedly mild and spring-like. The melting snow drifts and poo-brown grass, in fact, reminded both of us of falling in love this time last year and of the distance between Woodbridge and Port Credit that A. traversed to see me each time we went on a date. Brave soul.

Brave and compassionate and strong and intelligent and wonderful and kissable. 31,536,000 seconds well spent, wouldn't you say?

At Peller Estates winery, having lunch.

Before I clued in to the pictures being taken.

After.

A balmy spring day...with icebergs.

Playing the part of tourist, Sarah.

Playing the part of Korean tourist, Sarah.

Playing the part of world-famous explorer, Andrew.

Playing the part of Nemo, Andrew.

Love makes us snuggle. That, and sub-zero temperatures.

something borrowed

I know. I already posted pictures of Kate and Paul's wedding (don't bother clicking the link on Kate's name...she never updates her blog). But I just surveyed about 5 million more*, and distilled the following for your viewing pleasure - in my opinion, the best of the best. The unabridged version can be found here, on Paul's website: www.paulgraham.ca. Enjoy.

* It's a good thing the pictures turned out amazingly, because the photographer was kind of annoying. But now I realize that she was just a genius.

Pretty, pretty Kate.
Veiled hug.
Arwen. Basically. I mean, honestly. She's SO PRETTY.
The couple seconds after they said their vows. Kate attempting not to cry.
Paul, pre-ceremony. Looking dashing.
Adorable. And hot.
Ickle wee Kate and Paul.
OK, is my mom not absolutely stunning? Stunning. Too bad about the disposable camera.
I didn't bite my lip coming down the aisle. Kate forbade me to.
Been lifted up.
More of the couple. Are they not GORGEOUS?
Thaaat's right. What.
Some candid shots of Kate.
Looking the happiest I've ever seen her.
This reminds me of that famous shot of Princess Diana on her wedding day.
By this point, I wanted the photographer's number.
Joey and Kate. Twins separated by two years.
Chloe stealing the show. Easily.
I'm sure this will be the second most incredible wedding I will ever attend in my life.

eureka!

A Recipe for Overcoming Winter Blahs:

1. Get enough sleep.
   
2. Wake up earlier. In fact, turn your alarm off and trust your body to wake up at the right time. It actually will.
   
3. Eat breakfast at home, not on the run. Skip the coffee.
4. Eat greens in the morning.
   
5. Don't let work stress you out. "What will this matter in the light of eternity?" is a handy phrase to repeat.
6. Unearth a few pet projects that you "haven't had time" to do. The summer months will only be busier, so use the time you have on your hands now.
7. Read fiction.
8. Take the extra millisecond it requires to smile and say hi to the people you see every day. Like Gino the bus driver, Mike the postman, Emmanuel the day-time front desk guy, and Norma the night-shift front desk lady.
   
9. Listen to classical music.
10. Don't overspend on stupid stuff to make yourself feel better. You won't.
11. Spend an evening over drinks with a friend you haven't seen in a while.
12. Don't avoid chores.
13. Clean your living/working space. Add pictures.

Worked for me!

the very warmth of my blood seems stolen away

I traipsed through High Park one evening last week. Toronto rested, naively, in its pre-blizzard/ice/snow storm state, the temperature hovered around -5 degrees, light snow fell in slow motion, the air was so still the puffs of my breath lingered a half-beat longer than usual, and the twilight gave the trees an eerie, blue glow. The forest was absolutely silent.

The beauty was breathtaking. The beauty crippled me. The beauty, in contrast to the abscess that gnaws at my heart daily, highlighted Something That Was Missing. Not sure what.

I've waded through melancholic moments before (they keep me regular) and, upon reflection, I wonder if this one is merely the result of the first winter spent entirely on Canadian soil. I generally live by a strict regiment of winter-evading by flying to the UK in February or March; 2007 is the first year in six that I haven't had the opportunity.

"And yet...Since I left New York, haven't the winds blown less hard, less often? Hasn't there been a kind of wrench every time we leave a place, a kind of regret? I think there has. Twenty-five years, and at last the spring has begun to grow tired, just as my mother grew tired in the final years. I find myself looking at the sun and wondering what it would be like to see it rise above the same horizon for five - maybe ten, maybe twenty - years. The thought fills me with a strange dizziness, a feeling of fear and longing."
- Joanne Harris ("Chocolate")