(G)oogling

Let's admit. We've all done it. We've all Googled someone (or ourselves) to see how many sites are rendered - hits that give us info, sleuthing privileges, backgrounds, photos, etc.

Sitting in the hallway of the Port Hotel, outside room 308 (because YWAM's wireless internet is spawned there...and Stanley isn't awake yet to open the door to me...), I was busy Googling away when I decided to Google myself. I'm sure Sim would argue that this action marks the pinnacle of narcissism.

When I Google my name as "Sarah Hunter" I get this, this, this, this, and this. None of which are me, but are amusing (especially the basket weaver). But "Sarah-Aubrey Hunter" brings up my blog as the first site, accompanied with the infamous quote from Nik's blog: "Rarely updated because she's too busy." Following sites include my name as the contact for the Bessies, an award show I ran over two years ago when I worked for TVB, and an article that I wrote for the Medium (UTM's campus newspaper), followed by a few other outdated Bessies references.

Moments like this make me wish that I had a more interesting name, one that belonged to only me. It creeps me out that there are other Sarah Hunters, Sarah AUBREY Hunters, in fact, that are walking the globe.

Unwritten

Kate - best friend extraordinaire - pinpointed this song, after hearing it on the radio, as one that perfectly explained my current state of mind. She wins.

In the song, Natasha Bedingfield (rumoured to have been a YWAM base brat such as myself, along with her famous brother...little bit of trivia for you) advises:

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Living by faith is a lot scarier, often, in practice than it is in profession. And I'm not (just) talking about finances. I'm talking about *gasp* not having all the answers. I'm not sure if it's North American culture, or a first-born mentality, or having stubborn DNA anymore but somewhere someone must have made me believe that I needed all the answers. That I have to fight for myself, because no one else will do it for me. I'm convinced that it's no longer a gender issue, it's an all round human issue...and one that has infiltrated every area of our sad, paranoid little lives.

I wonder how Jesus puts up with our fake bravado. Our forecasts about the future (wasn't the end of the world supposed to occur at the turn of the new millenium?), our science (having visited the ROM this week, I wonder how many "facts" will have to be altered as they discover more about dinosaurs, for example), our theories, our philosophies, even our theologies and doctrines.

I'm trying to find the joy, the peace, the comfort in having an unwritten page or two ahead of me still.

Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading. It is a life of Faith, not of intellect and reason, but a life of knowing Who makes us "go."
- Oswald Chambers

sun is shining

sun is shining, the weather is sweet
make you want to move your dancing feet
to the rescue, here i am
want you to know, y'all, where i stand
- bob marley

Shannon, Stanley, Carly and myself (four members of the renegade band of ywami.netters that have taken up residence in the dodgy Ports Hotel of Port Credit...for now) drove downtown today for no particular reason except for a love of downtown. We scouted out two separate properties for potential YWAM use in the future, recorded ourselves on Speakers Corner (a Toronto experience I have never done before...it was unnerving), at lunch on Queen West, got a parking ticket, shopped at Black Market, and listened to the best of Bob Marley on the way home.

Living with all these Bajans has been a learning experience all on its own. Currently Anderson's two kids, Jaydn (2) and Kayla (1), are dancing to reggae. These bubbies have moves.

Lights will guide you home

I'm home.

Nine YWAM bases, three 24-7 Prayer Boiler Rooms, five flights, twelve train rides, and eight main European cities in seven weeks. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s good to be home.

The theme of "home" has been on my heart today: what it is, how it manifests itself, whether it relates to a geographical location, or a spiritual affinity, or a community of like-minded people...or a combination.

Coming back to Toronto this week has been a lesson in recognizing home (my wanderlust is, perhaps, taking a vacation of its own) in all its subtleties. It's in my dad and Kate waiting for me at the arrival gate when I got off my plane (Kate, having tracked down my flight arrival information herself using her impeccable sleuthing skills), it’s in the scent of Lake Ontario before it rains, it’s on Queen Street on a Sunday afternoon, it’s in the reunions I enjoyed at Sarah and Billy’s wedding on Friday.

Coming home is also laden with responsibilities. When you’re on the road, making week-long friendships, sleeping in a different bed every three days, leaving behind a business card and a good impression, no one requires much of you. You’re not even obliged to keep in touch.

Once within the boundaries of the GTA I start to feel familiar gravities. People know me. People have known me for years, not days. People know my family. They know my weaknesses and they know my strengths. And, suddenly, I am held accountable for all of it. Jet lag has nothing on this internal phenomenon.

On Sunday, at church, Steve Long spoke on the topic of sonship. What struck me this morning is that the prodigal son received the family’s signet ring from his father: the symbol of authority. And responsibility.

My heart is elated, but my head is exhausted.
- Tiesto

Wow.  The ability to post a blog from a widget on my iBook dashboard...

If you don't understand what I just said, you're a PC user and should repent.  But then, as a PC user, you probably already do.  Every day.

Have a lovely day.

Double-Edged Sword

Lesson learned: blog posts about chapters from the book of Numbers don't get comments.

Heathens.

Well, today I sat in on a lecture on spiritual warfare by Mariette Louw. Let me draw you a picture of this fine woman. She reminds me a little of Ursula, the sea witch from The Little Mermaid...but only in form and voice. She has a rich South African accent (somehow scripture sounds better with rolled "r"s), a booming, surround-sound voice, and is the dearest women...but she scares the crap out of me. She teaches students about the Word of the Lord being a double-edged sword, but I've never been so aware of its double-edgedness as when I'm sitting mere feet away from Mariette. I kind of feel like I'm going to get my head hacked off. And I love it.

I was sitting at the back of the classroom, behind the DTS students, when she invited me to sit closer.

"Do you like sitting back there?" she stopped the lecture to ask me.
"No, it's fine, actually...it's just...I'm a visitor..." I stammered, kind of freaked out that my thinly applied nonchalance wasn't working.
"Well, come up here then."
I started towards a seat in the second row when she pointed out a seat in the front row. Front row, center. She added, "But it takes those with special courage to sit in the front row."
So I sat in the front row.
"I know your face," she peered at me.
"Um, yes, from six years ago. You spoke on my DTS."
"Ah. I thought I recognized you."

Great. Impeccable spiritual discernment and a razor-sharp memory. I just hope she doesn't remember the punk I was at 19. Or discern the punk that I am now. Or at least have grace for either/or/both.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure."

Helen Keller

I am filled with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.
I live a life worthy of the Lord and will please Him in every way.
I bear fruit in every good work.
I am growing in the knowledge of God.
I am strengthened with all power according to His glorious might.
I have great endurance and patience.
I joyfully give thanks to the Father.
I have been qualified to share in the inheritance of the saints of the kingdom of light.

(Colossians 1:9-12 with spiritual authority added, a la Mariette...changes things, doesn't it?)

The Transjordan Tribes (Numbers 32)

Hard thoughts today.

I've been reading Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy recently (riveting, I know...) and tracking the "stiff-necked" Israelites through miles of deserts and not a few catastrophes, brought on, almost entirely, by their complaints about food or by their unbelief. I guess that could be boiled down to two all-too-human sentiments: "God, you're not good enough" and "God, you're not big enough". Tell me those don't sound familiar to you.

Their big, good God finally does bring them to the Promised Land after alotting enough time for a generation to completely die out. You'd think they'd echo Moses' passion to just peak into the Promised Land (which he wasn't allowed to set foot in because of his own disbelief...seems like no one is exempt...):

Moses: "Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan - that fine hill country and Lebanon."
God: "Go up to the top of Pisgah...Look at the land with your own eyes, since you are not going to cross this Jordan."

But the tribe of Reuben, the tribe of Gad and half of the tribe of Manasseh thought that the land east of Jordan looked OK to them. Logically, it also made sense:

Reuben, Gad & Manasseh: "The land(s)...are suitable for livestock, and your servants have livestock."

Lots of space, lots of livestock. Handy, but was it God's promise to them? Weren't they giving up their God-given inheritance, the Land Flowing with Milk and Honey, the land promised to their forefathers, for fields just short of Canaan's border? I wonder why? Were they tired of traveling? I could relate to that. Did they think it efficient and prudential to take land outside of Canaan, and therefore "giving" more land to the nine and a half other tribes on the other side? Did the Jordan look too deep to cross? Were they holding on to the fears of their fathers that the Canaanites were "giants" with "walled cities"?

At first Moses reprimanded them strongly:

Moses: "If you turn away from following [the LORD], he will again leave all this people in the desert, and you will be the cause of their destruction."

But finally relents, after he makes them promise to help the other tribes win the Promised Land. Would they have ignored this responsibility if Moses didn't remind them? Is it easier to leave the fighting to others once you have found somewhere suitable, comfortable, logical and comfortable to settle?

I get frustrated with the strong desire to settle in "lands suitable for livestock". Career choices that make sense, marrying for comfort, 5-, 10-, and 20-year goals... Sometimes the promises God has given me (and the instruction to "possess" them which, I suppose, would be disobedience to go against) seem vague, flighty, too amazing to be true ("God, you're not good enough"), and too difficult to attain ("God, you're not big enough"). But if I settle on this side of my Promised Land, without pushing through, I'll never get to see what God had in store for me.

I also discovered that Israel no longer holds the land east of the Jordan River.