Wednesday, September 02, 2009

auntie gloria

Since I was away last week (oh, by the way: I was away last week) at our senior high camp I was regretfully unable to post a Wifercize Wednesday or Friday Foto. My condolences. To (more than) make it up to you, here follows the comedic highlight of the week.

Every year we ask a registered nurse or two to volunteer for a week of camp. This year, the two nurses we had slotted canceled at the last minute. Through word of mouth we heard that the mother of campus intern was a nurse and happened to be free the week of camp.

To protect the innocent, I'll call her Gloria.

Gloria was no ordinary nurse. We offered to refer to her as "Nurse Gloria", as was the custom in previous years, but she preferred "Auntie Gloria". Auntie Gloria is a five-foot, Filipino grandmother with the sweetest face, the best sense of humour, the most matching outfits, the biggest hugs, the most intimate friendship with God, and the best smelling perfume.

She had spoken to God ("the Lahd", she calls him) about going away for the week, since it was her vacation week from nursing, before we asked her to nurse at camp. Her desire was to spend the week at a monastery in Hamilton where the solitude and environment would give her a chance to rejuvenate and spend time with the Lahd. She also had contemplated taking a train to the east coast to spend the week by the sea, for the same reason.

She agreed to nursing at camp because she knew we were in a pinch and has a heart of gold. "But it's the strangest thing," she told me one day, "I am in nature, I hab time to relax, I can pray for the chillren, and the Lahd wakes me up ebery morning to hab intimate time with him. It is a bacation!"

On Thursday, she declared her interest in going water tubing. On the lake, like.

I had her repeat her request three times before I believed her. She insisted. So we strapped her into a life-jacket and the two of us plopped into the seats of a tube about to be dragged over the lake by a speedboat. The driver turned to holler, "You guys want to go fast?" Auntie Gloria gave two enthusiastic thumbs up.

What happened next was a blur since I could only half see, I was hanging on for my own life, praying that Auntie Gloria wouldn't fall out, and simultaneously convulsing with laughter at the sight of her face. The spray of the wake soaked her, she could barely open her eyes from the sun reflected on the lake, her wavy black hair streaked straight behind her head, and her mouth was wide open in a constant belly laugh.

Then: "OK, that's enup. That's enup. THAT'S ENUP. IT'S ENUP." It took me and the driver a while to realize that she had had enough. The driver cut our pace to a comfortable putter and pulled us back to the dock.

I asked Auntie Gloria if she was OK or if she had hurt herself? She turned, still beaming, and said, "Oh no. It was so much pun. But it was so past and bumpy. I could feel my uterus - here - going PAH, PAH, PAH. And my anals. My anals were going PAH, PAH, PAH. So, I thought, that's enup."

And so Auntie Gloria had her first taste of water tubing until she had enup.


Andrew G said...

Bwa ha ha ha. I love it!

beth said...

hahahaha anals....hahha..that is too cute. this post made me miss tubing!